Wednesday 7th September 2011.

What can I say....

I haven't been feeling great, well i haven't been great at all actually. I'm down, I want to cry and probably runaway from the world. I've forced myself to stay away from the self harming jazz, because if i start i'll take it to far and probably end up dying. I'm not going back down the route of overdosing I feel shit for doing that, at the time I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anyone to turn to and i thought everyone would've been better off without me.

I finally did admit to Korni and Justin what i did, mainly because if it happens again then they'll know i tried. Rebecca i haven't told you not because i'm frightened but because i'm starting to finally tell people how i feel on the inside when you read this please don't hate me for trying to kill myself, it's been a struggle from last year till now i'm starting to get somewhere and i promise you I'm not going back down that route, if I do, i tried.

Korni I love you so much, I never want to hurt you, you mean so much to me i never want to lose you. I'm just glad i'm still here because if i wasn't i would never have met you.

Gary I fucking love you bro, I promise you I'm going to get better or try to at the very least. I don't want anyone standing at my graveside beating themselves up because it was to late to save me, I'll never try to kill myself again, i've made a promise to each of you and it stays that way. No matter how low i'm feeling, I don't want anyone to find me dead.

Jys i'm sorry for not admitting you to about my overdose either, I don't think anyone will ever realise how sorry i am for trying to end my life. I know you're all here for me, i love you guys for that.

College may be a struggle but I want to get there, i feel more prepared this year, maybe because i'm wanting to get some where and get to uni and make something of myself, because i want to make people proud and show those who had every doubt in me that i got somewhere.

I can't talk to anyone else in my family apart from Gary, because I feel that they're not prepared for having someone who is depressed and such. I just hide it and say i'm fine i'm probably just good at it now.

I just want this depression to fade and be the happy person everyone knows, it would be good for myself as well.

Back yet again.

I really hoped I wouldn't be back here again, but here i am writing everything down.

I've been back from Canada what a couple of weeks? I was fine everything was fine in Canada, i was happy and didn't give a care in the world, that's the way it should be but since Monday evening i've done nothing but try to hold myself together. I have no idea why. I had a lovely time in London seeing Korni, It was then my cousin found out how i'd been feeling, He's the only person in my family who knows. I don't like to get my feelings out there, i feel if i tell someone they'll judge me inside and out.

I think telling Gary was a relief, but seeing his reaction to how i was feeling, it hurt me and i'm still not sure how he feels. =/ dude if you ever read this I'm sorry for feeling this way. I just wish it would just go. :(

This time i have no idea why i feel this way, In my head i feel that no one cares. Maybe i should end it all in a way. Not sure if it would be the right thing to do, it would end the pain that i'm feeling. I just feel that i'm no longer strong enough to cope, I feel at some point i'm going to explode and i'm scared that i'll hurt who ever it is i yell at. =/

I just wish this depression would fade, i want my normal self back i want my happy self back. I'm not the person i know. I'm not the happy person that everyone knows. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared is all i can say.

Hmm...

I dunno...i don't even know why I'm writing this to be perfectly honest?

I guess I need to write things down and again. Maybe it's because I'm tired I seriously don't have a clue. To who ever reads this I feel sorry for you because it'll be all gobbledegook.

Today well it's been nice, My cousin graduated and well I'm really proud of him. But my uncle is like i want you to be the next person up there...cheers for that no pressure then? In myself I really want to go uni but i don't think I'm cut out for it. I can just see myself dropping out and ending up going no where :\ but anyway it's been a good day.

I see the Foo Fighters this weekend so it's all good I'm looking forward to it.
I go to Canada in 11 days so it'll get me out of this madness lol!

As for how I'm feeling... I've been fine last week or so, i don't feel to bad. Just still questioning myself, I'll get over that eventually.
The other thing is...someone who i haven't spoken to in a year mainly because of the shit things that happened well they turned up on msn list tonight i swear they'd blocked me, unless they've unblocked me just to have another shitty go at me and put me down again I assure you I won't be listening because you were the one that's practically ruined my confidence I hope you're fucking pleased with yourself?

So anyway like i said it's all gobbledegook just hope it makes sense to you cos it certainly doesn't make sense to me lol.

Here I am again.

So here I am again....

Writing my feelings down, like no one's business. I've put this on blogger, because I only want a certain amount of people reading this and tumblr isn't the place.

So how am I really feeling is what you want to know? Well I'll tell you.

I feel like shite. Some days I'm fine, other days i'm just down. Crying all the time, suicide, total depression. This isn't the way for a 22 year old to live.

I haven't told my family how I'm feeling, i've never approached them with my feelings. I just feel I can't talk to them about how I feel.

And I'm sure both Justin and Rebecca are fed up listening to me. Guys i'm sorry if i constantly moan at you both.

Last year's events are still on my mind, the hurt is still there and to be perfectly honest, i just feel that i can no longer be honest with myself and others. I care a lot for people but sometimes i should just stop because i'm scared of being hurt.

I feel like i'm no longer strong any more. Thoughts of suicide is just getting worse and there will come a day that I won't be longer here, it'll have taken over me.

I just hope i can sort myself out when i'm in Canada it's the one thing i've been looking forward to this year. I don't want to be living like this for the rest of my life, I just want to get over this but i don't want to keep moaning at people it's really unfair.

Just hopefully by the time i post my next blog i'll be a wee bit better.

Somethings just have to be said.

There's somethings in life that really need to be said and today is one of them.
I know somethings in life happen for a reason, but it leaves a scar on the people that you leave behind, ever since stuff happened last year, i feel that most days i find myself down, perhaps it's because i miss them, even if they knew they wouldn't care less some people have told me i'm better off without them maybe they're right, how can someone you respect just go from being such a nice person to someone who is cold and doesn't care less how you feel? No one will ever know the answer to that, even if we searched for a billion years, we'll still never know.

There is people in my life i care about and i know they actually appreciate me for who i am. I'm glad i have them.

Recently i've just felt sick and i probably know why, i did approach my family members and all i get is it's a load of crap and i don't get the support i need, i thought that's what family is for but i guess i'm just wrong. In so many ways i'm fed up with it all, i want to get back to normal but yet i've not got the support of my family it makes me feel a lot worse knowing that.

So yeah i had to get that out.